I had always meant to weave more of my own thoughts on mental health into my blogs and posts but ultimately been quite afraid of the potential reaction. 2023 will see that change with the podcast and some regular blogging. After a revelation this morning I thought I'd share a few thoughts on how my brain is working right now as well as a quick anecdote on how things can change in a second.
But it's not necessarily the details of situations that remain with us, it's how we feel at the time that we really remember right?
Well, it's been interesting. Ultimately a rollercoaster of different situations, challenges, successes and failures that we all would probably recognise. There have been periods of extreme grief and sadness as well as highs I've never felt before. These emotions are universal but the situations that cause them are unique to each of us. But it's not necessarily the details of situations that remain with us, it's how we feel at the time that we really remember right? Ultimately, this is probably the take-away for me.
I want to feel better more often and for longer periods. That has to start with me. I need to perhaps let go of some of the things that still hold me back emotionally. I think the following would be a good start. Can you relate to the following?
I need to drop some of the relationships I thought I had with people, relationships that ultimately offer nothing in return for my investments in them. I need to stop worrying about it and stop chasing their approval, stop trying to please them or make myself a part of their life because I want it.
I need to detach from some of the assumptions I make about others and about how they see and portray me. I can't help how others act or think no matter how it affects me or the people around me. I will stop both of these things in 2023, instead focusing on the positive people in my life, those who place value on my company and recognise my worth without any caveats or conditions.
I also need to lift some of the limitations I put on myself through fear. Fear of failure, fear of being the least "masculine" or capable person in "the room". Fear of weakness on so many fronts I can't put it into words. Fear of being an imposter in my job. A profession where others genuinely look up to me and value my opinion and expertise. I need to embrace the person I am both personally and professionally, it's really all I have.
I need to move. I need to stay active. With others or alone. I will resolve to make adventure high on my schedule again. Whether travelling, overnighting or just day raids with bikes, boards or boots. This is so important for my fitness and my mental health.
On this subject. I have let myself be so vulnerable this year compared to the 48 years previous and I know I am a better person for it. I am kinder to others and I give myself a lot more slack. It has also resulted in others being more open with me and allowed my to talk about things that have shaped my life since my very youngest years. I know that my own childhood, formative years and upbringing had it's issues but was never as bad as all that, considering what we know can happen out there in the big bad world.
But I've learned this year that it's all relative. I've talked about how I felt, about what I experienced and about how I think it effects me now. Through this I have found not pity or sympathy, but validation. Validation is so important. It doesn't mean you're right, it just means that someone believes what you are saying in that moment, perhaps picking it apart later and coming to a different conclusion. But someone has listened to your truth and has no pushback in the moment.
I wrote this piece hurriedly after receiving a message this morning from a fellow adventurer now living on the other side of the world. A person who's time I enjoyed sharing and I always talk of fondly. My first adventures and biking shenanigans were spent with him when I moved back to Scotland and for that I'm grateful, but I didn't think that much of it as being significant as it was a long time ago. I was more thinking of the rotten December that was coming to a close.
Now this is not a rant. I am not looking for a reaction. I only mention it all to demonstrate what a shit place I was in with it all this morning
Events including a good friend and fellow adventurer taking his own life without foreshadowing or leaving a reason. A very beautiful but ultimately extremely difficult celebration of his life then followed. I did not deal with this at all well, his family are some of the strongest humans I have seen. That I will never see this man again gives me pause every day.
A few days later I got a call regarding the flooding of my downstairs neighbours flat when my pipes burst whilst I was 200 miles away. Then to find days later that my heating had also ruptured in several places filling my ceiling with water. Essentially, not being able to fix this, I moved back up north to Jen's (my girlfriend) only to land there and immediately have an extremely bad covid experience leaving me couch bound for a week. No family xmas and none of the activities we had scheduled. Then to add insult, Jen got Covid too, now we can't attend the epic new year celebration we'd been invited to.
Now this is not a rant. I am not looking for a reaction. I only mention it all to demonstrate what a shit place I was in with it all this morning until I got the aforementioned message. I won't disclose the content in detail but it went something like this:
Hope you're well, I listened to your podcast, it was good. I'd never heard of your guest, but I'm now watching his YouTube channel. But for me, the most beautiful thing: He went on to say that he carried value from the times we spent together all those years ago, that he essentially looked up to me, thought I was "cool" and was thankful that he had that time we shared too. That I was an early mentor to him and in a small part helped shape some of the decisions he made.
I mention this not for my own ego, but to cite an example of how a small gesture or message can make another person sit up and realise that they have worth. To realise that they can make a difference, however small and are worthy of the 5 minutes it took to type out that short message.
The December referred to above, whilst relevant and continuing to affect my life, somehow
seemed a little less dark this morning.
Make it easy on yourself, it's New Years Eve, it won't be weird!
I intend to pay this forward. Frankly, I think you should consider it too? From "be nice say hi" to actually taking the time to catch up with someone or tell them that you miss their company. Do you know someone lonely or that is struggling right now? Perhaps send them a wee message and check in with them. Make it easy on yourself, it's New Years Eve, it won't be weird!
So I'll round this off with the following: I've been encouraged to pick a word for the year. I'm told this is generally done through everything from word-clouds to writing statements, trawling ones thoughts and similar endeavours. All of which I can see having value. Although I think this is a good project, I've never been much of a soul searcher.
But what am I doing here, right now? I'm writing a blog based on a message someone sent me out of the blue. I was inspired to do it through kindness, authenticity, vulnerability and validation. At some point I'll explain what this word means to me, but for now I'll simply say it out loud:
That's it for 2022, thanks for reading this far. I'll explain a little more about this in another post.
Finally I'd like to thank everyone for their support in 2022. Personally and professionally. Especially to Jen, my girlfriend, my cheerleader and the single most influential person I've ever had in my life. I'm a better person because of her. Thanks babe.
Lastly I'd like to wish everyone a happy new year and the best for 2023.
See you on the other side.
Allan
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