Not an easy question to answer, but after a strange episode this morning I'm going to give it a go. Limited of course to my own recent experience. I hope that it may be useful to others?
I started my "winter training" on Monday with a static ride to gauge my fitness. It felt weird because my coach and friend Rab Wardell had tragically died only a little over a week previous. As well as being a mentor and an inspiration to me, he was a friend of over a decade and a regular enough part of my life to make the news of his passing a moment of real significance and reflection for me.
I got up this morning for the second workout in the plan that Rab had designed for me, the dreaded "FTP test" (look it up) for me, pushing 2x 280w for 8 minutes was extraordinarily hard. As a matter of fact it was the first time I had ever finished the workout fully. Truth is, I burst into tears for about 2 seconds half way through the second effort. Why? because I suddenly felt motivated to finish but couldn't reconcile why.
Was I angry because my friend & coach was gone? Was it knowing that I could not count on Rab's legendary light touch in support of my efforts? Was I doubting what the point was and questioning our collective mortality? Was I feeling sorry for myself and feeling guilt for my potential wallowing in it all? Because of course, despite my relationship with Rab, hundreds of other people had closer, more meaningful relationships with him. Including his partner, family members and closest friends. I don't know, it could be one of these things, could be all of them?
It all became a bit overwhelming and just overtook me. I couldn't do anything about it. Breaking down in tears whilst pushing the power and sweating from every pore is not a good look. I'm glad there were no mirrors or no-one else around to see it..
I did feel guilt in considering quitting that test again. I wondered what Rab would say if I quit, then as quick as that, my mindset changed. You may think that he would have said something tough like "pedal harder" or "push to the limit" but no, he'd have congratulated me on my effort and told me to move on and consolidate. He'd have calculated the worth of the effort, made a new plan then spent half an hour chatting about life, friends and bikes or just whatever came up.
So why did this happen? I don't know, but I'm sure it was in part down to a few different aspects of how I have dealt with it all.
I was a bit in denial, probably somewhat unconsciously. I couldn't quite believe that he wouldn't be there to see me through the winter. I was most likely angry for the same reason. I'm not religious or superstitious, so don't invest any time in finding finding a party to blame. In cases such as this it just sits with me for a while. It does however sometimes take the same amount of soul searching and moments of asking "why?" when no-one is listening. I'm sure everyone has done this.
I definitely started this workout with a "do it for Rab" mentality. But ultimately these feelings fade as the memories can fade too. I feel that this can be motivation only for the strongest of mindsets and those with the most poignant or contextual memories of someone. Eventually I just chose to do my best as I always do, wether I quit or not. ultimately it didn't really matter.
Mostly I think I was just so angry with myself in that he would love to be doing what I was doing at that moment. Pushing as hard as he could, trying to achieve his goals and yet here was, considering quitting every few minutes. But ultimately it never happened. After this moment, I didn't consider quitting again.
I couldn't hold it in, It lasted 2 seconds, but it was one of those overpowering moments where I think I realised everything was ok as far as I was effected in that moment. It may have been joy at a life lived to the fullest and that he was the best of us. I could feel that humour, that encouraging mindset and infectious laugh just for a moment. I now know that it was probably a moment of joy for all that he gave me and others like me.
The rest of the session became more of a celebration of types. A realisation that I'm still here to enjoy what I choose to do and that my life had been enriched by Rab as countless others had too. His previous efforts to be my coach, my friend and to make time for a chat whenever I saw him played a huge part in why I was getting to do this horrible, horrible workout. Yes it's painful, yes it's uncomfortable, it requires effort and help to get to a place where it's easier to deal with on a day to day basis. Be kind to yourself, set smaller goals, use the people around you for support and eventually you'll likely prevail...
...no, I'm no longer talking about the workout.
-Allan.
My thoughts are with Katie, Rab's family and his closest friends.
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