I've shared the following with only a few people and it invited some incredulity as well as empathy and sympathy. All well meaning from friends and acquaintances that did not see "this type of thing" in me. Overall, it prompted a few people to talk to me about their own experiences with depression and anxiety. I'd like to share it publicly on this platform and invite any conversation or messages in confidence from anyone that may suffer similar traits, or indeed anyone who reads this.
I thought I'd commit it to a blog entry and just put it out there. Given over in the spirit of perhaps inspiring others to speak out and encourage more conversation about our mental health, our relationships and how we deal (or don't deal) with our perceived "issues"
For me, l can manage the depression. It doesn't surface often and when it does, I recognise it and can deal with the onset, the experience and the aftermath. Right to the point where I don't think anyone would particularly notice it.
It's the anxiety that cripples me.
I was diagnosed around 2004 with generalised anxiety syndrome, but I know It's been with me my whole life. I don't know what it feels like to be without the cognitive weight and physical exhaustion of constantly being in a state of alert, ready to defend myself, ready to fight, to try and get back the things that I'm sure someone is about to take from me. To brace myself for what's around the corner, a corner that I never turn. No matter how I try to ignore it, it's all just built into me.
Sometimes it comes across as being needy, sometimes I speak my mind and put my foot in it. Sometimes I feel I have to speak to be noticed, impart an opinion in what feels like an automatic need to agree or disagree with someone just to be part of the conversation. Sometimes I can't find the words to say what I want when I simply want to be honest. It's really difficult to know who I am sometimes, and to see a way forward to being who I might want to be. But lately I've decided to stop trying so hard.
During the course of 2022 I came to an agreement with myself. All I can be is the best version of the person I am and not a terrible version of the person I my have thought I wanted to be. If I accept that is good enough for me it will help me find a better way forward.
Then of course I have to accept that if the people around me don't accept it, then I can't simply look to please or impress them at the cost of my own search for a better, more manageable me.
If I continue to try and please people and live my life in a way that feeds my "normal" state of anxiety, I will simply carry it forever.
This note is partly a statement en-masse and to those who do constantly ask me in person if l'm ok and to those who message me to do the same. It's also to those whom I speak to that suffer in a similar way. I want you to know that although I'm not okay, But, that's ok for now as I'm actually in a place where I am facing a lot of the things that have stalled my own development as a person, a partner, a colleague and just being a good c*nt over the years.
In the last few years or so l've moved house, my 20 year marriage ended and I don't see my son as often as I'd like to. Lockdown was bad enough in a full house, but in an empty one it was an absolute assault on my senses and fed into my projection of worry and my amazing ability to overthink and create negative scenarios on a minute by minute basis. The overwhelming minority of which of course ever come to pass. The same can be said for the "single life" living by ones self with no real regular quality interactions with others. It's hard.
On top of this, there is the unseen menace of my mind doing this with the absence of my own conscious thoughts and contributions wreaking havoc on my physical condition. Anxiety is often interpreted as being only a mental illness but I can tell you that the daily physical pain of it is a real thing.
Thank you to all whom have asked me. To all that have helped me. The number I hope to add to is the number of those who might yet like and love me for the person I am. From this time forward and as a result of my own efforts to become a better person.
But... I'm about as happy as I've been in a long time. I now tell myself to be honest, trust myself, be authentic, detach from negative people or situations and roll with the punches. People who care for you will always care. People who love you will always love you. People who don't know you may come to your aid. Keep talking.
I have decided to air this note after some reflection on significant recent events. At the end of last year, a dear friend of mine took thier own life. There was absolutely no sign that this person was considering such and action or that they were suffering from any obvious behaviours or illnesses that would result in such a terrible outcome. They left no reason or rationale, they just choose to leave us.
I wish I could have been closer to them, in more regular contact and asked them more often how I could be a friend, to help them where they may have needed it.
it's ok to tell people your troubles, ask for help and be honest with people. You will always find an ear.
It's easy to tell one's self that their problems are small, or at least smaller than everyone else's, but it's all relative. Don't compare yourself to others in this space. It will simply diminish your self esteem, perhaps convince you that you are making it all up or that there's "always someone worse off" a phrase that I stopped using a long time ago. Your troubles are real, valid and can be lessened by reaching out.
These types of notes are usually ended by #itsoktobenotok but lately I've been thinking that whilst thats a great call to action done with the best of intention (and I'll continue to support it) it's actually and more literally NOT okay to to be not okay. We have to help each back to a place where this hashtag is not needed.
As the hashtag is intended in context, It's ok to tell people your troubles, ask for help and be honest with people. You will always find an ear. After which you may hope to move past the aforementioned, come to terms with things, find a new outlook, process how you feel and then help others that you recognise need the same thing.
This is my current journey.
-Allan
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